As we have walked this journey of loss of our second child, it has been healing for me to open and honest about our experiences. Today, I wanted to share a bit of my perspective on what it has been like for me to experience pregnancy after a loss.
Back in July, on the anniversary of our miscarriage, we announced that we were expecting our rainbow baby. It’s hard to believe that I am now well into the third trimester of this pregnancy, and that our newest little love will be joining us in just a couple of months!
As we have walked this journey of loss of our second child, it has been healing for me to open and honest about our experiences. Today, I wanted to share a bit of my perspective on what it has been like for me to experience pregnancy after a loss. My sweet boy,
It’s hard to believe that now you are two. I can’t even begin to fathom how it was only two years ago that we were still in those first days of our new life as a family of three, marveling over all your tiny features, holding and snuggling you close every moment that we could, adjusting to our new normal. It felt so surreal that you were finally here, that you were ours, that it was no longer just the two of us. But now... I can’t imagine things being any other way. I don’t know about you, but there’s something that I love about scrolling through the baby registry of a mom-to-be, looking through all the items she and her partner have taken the time to carefully select for their little one on the way. There is so much excitement and promise there; I’ve always thought that it gives you some perspective of the life they imagine for themselves and their first child. You can glean an idea of a nursery theme in chosen bedding and blankets, bath and bedtime routines emerging in lotions and swaddles.
I’ve had a blog post sitting in my drafts, ready to go, since the middle of July. A blog post that, almost four weeks ago, became one I could no longer publish.
The title of that blog post was “Our Family is Growing!!!” It was a post where I would finally announce the secret I’d been keeping since April, that we were expecting another baby in the new year. But I wanted to wait for one more appointment, to hear the heartbeat for the first time, before sending that news out into the world. Because once you share joy like that, the unthinkable is having to tell everyone that your joy has become sorrow. Yesterday was one of those days. It was only 1:00 pm, and as I stood in the middle of the kitchen taking a moment to refocus, I hate to admit that I was already counting down the hours until bedtime. Or, at least, the hours until Daddy would be on his way home from work. The toddler was being his toddler-est, the rain in the afternoon forecast was a perfect reflection of my mood, and I was running out of ideas for rainy day activities that didn’t require leaving the house.
In short, I felt like I was surely going to lose my cool before 5 pm rolled around without some serious intervention. The morning is young, and the promise of the day awaits. In some miraculous orchestration of the universe, my toddler and I are both breakfasted and dressed, leaving the perfect window before nap time to run a few quick errands. I will sail into the weekend riding the high of a day of productivity, I think to myself.
We roll out of the driveway just before 10:00, armed with everything we need to make this trip as quick and efficient as possible. I am organized. I am ready. We’d been planning it for months: our first, big family road trip. The rental car was reserved. Our hotels were booked. Clothes were laid out in neat piles on our guest bed. While I was compiling meticulous lists for packing — things that needed to be done at the house before we left, snacks and activities for the car, necessities for hotel stops, our gear for almost a week at a lake house — Jeremy was carefully mapping out our route and making an Excel spreadsheet of every rest stop between here and our New England destination, possible stopping points for breaks and meals, and ideal places to take our toddler to get out to run and play for a while.
It has been my intention for quite some time now to add a blog to this space so that I can share more about who I am, my photography journey, the “behind the scenes” of being a work-at-home-mom, and highlights from each session. Part of my struggle has been that I am, by nature, an introvert and a very private person, and sharing pieces of myself on a blog is, by definition, a very vulnerable thing. Every time I think I’m ready to start, I begin to doubt myself: What if what I write is just not that interesting? What if no one reads what I write? What if no one really cares?
I’ve been doing a great deal of reflecting these few months as I approach my 30th birthday, taking a step back to evaluate where I am in my life and my business and putting some real thought into where I see myself in the coming years. Truth be told, I have felt a bit like I’m floundering for the last year or so; I have struggled to find my footing in my new role as a working mom, and with so many roles that need so much of me, I often feel as though I’m not doing a very good job at any of them because there is always something left to do! |
Hi! I'm nicole!I love photographing families in every stage of life, creating warm, bright, and natural images that you will treasure for a lifetime. What I love most about being behind the camera is telling the story in front of me, highlighting the joy and relationships between loved ones and capturing each personality! let's connect!Categories
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