As we have walked this journey of loss of our second child, it has been healing for me to open and honest about our experiences. Today, I wanted to share a bit of my perspective on what it has been like for me to experience pregnancy after a loss.
Back in July, on the anniversary of our miscarriage, we announced that we were expecting our rainbow baby. It’s hard to believe that I am now well into the third trimester of this pregnancy, and that our newest little love will be joining us in just a couple of months!
As we have walked this journey of loss of our second child, it has been healing for me to open and honest about our experiences. Today, I wanted to share a bit of my perspective on what it has been like for me to experience pregnancy after a loss. I reached an important milestone last week: I got my first smartphone.
Yes, dear friends, before this, I was still toting around my trusty flip phone, texting with T9, scratching my head at emojis translated into rectangular boxes. “How does it feel?” my friend Alissa asked when I sent her my first text from my new, shiny, fully-activated device. “I feel like a real, grown-up lady!” was my reply, complete with the requisite slew of accompanying emojis. When I made the decision to switch, I will admit that it felt like the end of an era. I was always the holdout. The girl with the flip phone. The millennial who didn’t need a smartphone, who didn’t even have texting until four years ago, who was just fine living the simple life without the added encumbrance of one more device, thankyouverymuch. I realized that a lot of my hesitation wasn’t so much about making the change, but feeling like I was losing part of my identity. Happy spring! Can we just pause for a moment and talk about the fact that it is almost April?! Which means we’re already 25% through 2019?!? How in the world did this happen???
While I love spring for so many reasons — the warmer temperatures, the buds and blooms, the longer daylight hours — I will also admit that I have sort of a love-hate relationship with the season. Okay, it’s not really the season so much as it is the onslaught of pollen that begins at the beginning of March and wreaks havoc on my respiratory system. I know it isn’t as bad for me as it is for many people, but basically, Flonase will be my favorite daily friend for the next few months! My sweet boy,
It’s hard to believe that now you are two. I can’t even begin to fathom how it was only two years ago that we were still in those first days of our new life as a family of three, marveling over all your tiny features, holding and snuggling you close every moment that we could, adjusting to our new normal. It felt so surreal that you were finally here, that you were ours, that it was no longer just the two of us. But now... I can’t imagine things being any other way. I’ve made no secret about the fact that autumn is my absolute favorite season. October has a special place in my heart for many reasons, but November also ranks highly as one of my absolute favorite months! The last breaths of summer that ebb and flow through October usually give way to the chilly, cozy autumn weather that I crave, the fall foliage comes into its fall glory and blankets the ground in crunchy leaves, the unmistakable crisp, earthy smell of the season fills the air, and the holiday season and all its joy and celebration looms on the horizon.
It still feels like summer out there, so it’s been really hard to get into the swing of the autumn months or convince myself that the calendar actually rolled forward to October 1 on Monday! Fall is also always a TREMENDOUSLY busy photography season for me, so between a steady flow of work, being a mom to an almost-two-year-old, trying to keep up with our home, and all the family events also happening this season, most of September slipped by without my really noticing!
As I’ve mentioned before (and you’ll probably hear me say at least 1,000 more times between now and Thanksgiving…), fall is my absolute favorite season, and as much as I love decorating for Christmas, there’s just something about pulling out my boxes of fall decor from storage that awakens something inside of me: Anticipation. Excitement. A sense of peace. The joy I feel adding little pops of autumn to our home — pumpkins and leaves and apples and wagons — is a feeling I wait for eagerly once August rolls around and I’ve had just about enough of the heat and humidity of summer! I don’t know about you, but there’s something that I love about scrolling through the baby registry of a mom-to-be, looking through all the items she and her partner have taken the time to carefully select for their little one on the way. There is so much excitement and promise there; I’ve always thought that it gives you some perspective of the life they imagine for themselves and their first child. You can glean an idea of a nursery theme in chosen bedding and blankets, bath and bedtime routines emerging in lotions and swaddles.
Football season (Go Gamecocks!). Pumpkin spice everything. Scented candles burning. Cooler weather and changing leaves. Scarves and cozy sweaters. I don’t know about you, but I’m so eager for fall and the change of seasons!
It’s hard to believe that tomorrow is the first of September (which, you know, is basically the beginning of fall…). The summer has been a bit of a bummer all around for us, from missing our summer vacation to losing our baby to miscarriage, so I’m really itching and aching for the change of a new season. Autumn has always been my favorite season — it’s a welcome reprieve from the heat and humidity of summer, a season that begs for coziness, it’s bursting with colors and smells and flavors that I love, and it’s also the time of two of my absolute favorite holidays, Halloween and Thanksgiving! Perhaps my favorite reason for loving fall so much is because it’s when my husband and I met and started dating (ten years ago this October!). It always reminds me of the start of our relationship, the thrill and excitement of meeting someone new and special, realizing it could be the start of something big. Plus, now we have the added excitement of celebrating our son’s birthday in the fall, too! I’ve had a blog post sitting in my drafts, ready to go, since the middle of July. A blog post that, almost four weeks ago, became one I could no longer publish.
The title of that blog post was “Our Family is Growing!!!” It was a post where I would finally announce the secret I’d been keeping since April, that we were expecting another baby in the new year. But I wanted to wait for one more appointment, to hear the heartbeat for the first time, before sending that news out into the world. Because once you share joy like that, the unthinkable is having to tell everyone that your joy has become sorrow. I walked down the quiet school hallways, following the familiar pathway to my classroom as though I was on autopilot. Under my arm was tucked a small box — a box that felt surprisingly light given the importance of what it held.
I entered the room that had become my home away from home for the last two years of my teaching career. It was stark and impersonal compared to what it had been, the once colorful walls bare and blank, all my personal belongings packed up in boxes, most of the furniture pushed to one corner to prepare it for summer cleaning. Yesterday was one of those days. It was only 1:00 pm, and as I stood in the middle of the kitchen taking a moment to refocus, I hate to admit that I was already counting down the hours until bedtime. Or, at least, the hours until Daddy would be on his way home from work. The toddler was being his toddler-est, the rain in the afternoon forecast was a perfect reflection of my mood, and I was running out of ideas for rainy day activities that didn’t require leaving the house.
In short, I felt like I was surely going to lose my cool before 5 pm rolled around without some serious intervention. The morning is young, and the promise of the day awaits. In some miraculous orchestration of the universe, my toddler and I are both breakfasted and dressed, leaving the perfect window before nap time to run a few quick errands. I will sail into the weekend riding the high of a day of productivity, I think to myself.
We roll out of the driveway just before 10:00, armed with everything we need to make this trip as quick and efficient as possible. I am organized. I am ready. The air is thick with the nearly suffocating humidity of a July morning in South Carolina, but that doesn’t deter us from our mission ― it’s part of the experience. Clad in straw hats, the lightest summer clothes we own, and flip flops, we make our way across the front yard toward the prize of the summer: PaPa’s blueberries. In addition to our annual trip to the Southeast Old Thresher’s Reunion with Jeremy’s family, this event is one of the bright, shining beacons of the summer.
I still remember the day it arrived so clearly. Ever since clicking that golden yellow “place my order” button, my stomach had been fluttering with eagerness to finally hold it in my hands: my very own DSLR camera. It was the first big, extravagant purchase my husband and I had made in our marriage. Something I had been wanting for years. The thing that felt like the first step in a new adventure.
I obsessively checked the tracking number all day, eagerly awaiting the rumble of the UPS truck coming down our road. I had uncharacteristically splurged and spent the additional $3.99 for one-day Amazon Prime shipping, but even 24 hours felt like an eternity to wait! It was the end of a long, long day. I had seen both the dawn and the setting of the sun, traveled over 200 miles round trip, spent the whole day in the sun with hundreds of other spectators, inspected more tractors than I could possibly count, tasted my first ice cream churned by a John Deere hit-and-miss engine, and witnessed my first tractor pull. I had just experienced my first “tractor show” — a family nickname for the Southeast Old Thresher’s Reunion in Denton, NC.
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Hi! I'm nicole!I'm a sentimental mom of two with a heart for capturing all the big AND little details of this season of your life! I guide you through every step of the process to ensure a stress-free photography experience that helps you feel calm and confident in front of the camera so you can enjoy your family while we capture moments and memories you will treasure for a lifetime! let's connect!Categories
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